I had a moment yesterday, when taking a drive with a monk along some amazingly scenic views of the Kaptai dam, where I did actually think that very thought: I love my life right now.
Sure, I haven’t achieved all that I set out to achieve here (oh dear, I haven’t changed the world…or made any substantial changes in this organisation… FAIL) but I have to just deal with that. And accept it. I’d have to spend 10 years here to make the kind of difference I’d feel happy with. There is a little something inside me that keeps telling me I could have done more. Should have done more. And that little part of me is probably right. I could have done more. And yes, I know I do still have 2 months left, but the last month is a handover to the next volunteer (NOT a VSO volunteer because VSO have been a bit fat pile of stinky dog poo) which leaves only about a month here before he (Tony) arrives. I could write all sorts of end of placement reports, with graphs and tables and other fandangled things, but the more I think about it, the more I realise doing that will only satisfy something within myself to make me feel like I’ve achieved something. It will never be read, and will immediately be ‘filed’ in a draw somewhere.
OK, so I started this post by staying how much I love my life right now, and meandered into talking about feeling guilty about not having done enough. Wasn’t expecting to end up here when I started this post. Now back to the original point…
…I really do love my life right now.I’m so grateful for having had this opportunity to see a part of a world so few have seen, or even heard of. I’m grateful for all the amazing people I have met, and for being allowed the opportunity to try to help them. I’m grateful for how much I have learnt about myself this past year, and how much I’ve discovered about what I want out of life. I want a life that I love. I want a job that doesn’t feel like work. I want a life that’s full of new experiences, and creativity and full of the unexpected. I want to be excited about getting up every morning, excited about the new adventures I’ll face that day. I was originally going to take a years leave of absence from Accenture to do this VSO thing, and oh my oh my am I glad I didn’t. Just the thought of going back to London to work in IT consulting is enough to make me want to slit my wrist with a blunt spoon. It’s much more exciting not knowing what I’m going back to. Knowing that whatever happens after Bangladesh will happen because I decide to make it happen. Not because I’ve tied myself into a lifestyle I’m not fulfilled by, a lifestyle that is ruled by a fat paycheque that I think makes it all worthwhile.
My old life depresses me. I won’t go back to that.
PS Shit, after all that I had better NOT find myself in IT consulting in the future. The shame if I did… These things do just happen sometimes, it’s how I ended up there in the first place. Must. Not. Let. It. Happen. Again.